Car Owner Categorization

Since there are many different types of drivers out there, it is only natural that there are many different types of car owners.  Keep your tongues firmly in cheek, get in and buckle up!  Here we go….

The Appliance Owner

I think this category is the most popular.  Most people see their cars as appliances, like microwaves.  It is a crucial material object designed to serve humans.  It gets us from Point A to Point B.  However, if we find ourselves without one, we are in a world of hurt and can barely function.  You know, like if the microwave broke.

The Wacko Dog Owner

People who are good dog owners love their dogs and treat them appropriately.  Mentally ill dog owners (who have lost all concept of reality) also love their dogs, but treat them better than they treated their children (which I will go into in a future post).  The Wacko Dog Owner can be recognized in a couple of ways.  One way is that there is a dog bed either on the dashboard or the rear package shelf.  There is no thought as to what would happen if they had to slam on their brakes.  Another way to recognize the Wacko Dog Owner is that you see the dog’s head hanging out the window – of the driver’s seat.  Yup, these Wacko Dog Owners don’t bother thinking of Fido’s safety, noooooo!  They think Fido wants to be in their lap.  To hell with safe driving!  It’s all about Fido, who, for some reason or another, is usually about the size of a large rat.  So, who is really the “owner” here?

The Stuffed Animal Collector

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This category seems to be exclusively female.  I say “seems to be” because I have not paid that much attention to them.  Well, that and you can’t always see them clearly.  Anyway, the Stuffed Animal Collector is so obsessed with stuffed animals that they can’t bear to be without them.  In order to be surrounded by plush toys at all times, the Stuffed Animal Collector fills their dashboard and their rear package shelf until their field of vision is partially obscured.  They also hang stuffed things from their rear view mirrors (not that they use them).  All of the dashboard toys may come in handy, though.  When the Stuffed Animal Collector gets into an accident, they will be pelted with the plush toys AND the airbag!  This is vital, as the airbag may not deploy because of all the string used to tie on the plush steering wheel cover. 

The Compensator

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The compensator has a lot of emotional (and possibly physical) issues.  In general, they are desperate for attention.  They attempt to garner attention by doing something noticeable to their vehicle and sometimes by behaving poorly.  You can recognize a compensator because their vehicles are too _____ (fill in the blank):  too tall, too big, too loud, too gaudy, too over-accessorized.  These too tall/large vehicles will never be seen offroad, the too gaudy will never be seen at a car show, etc.  Compensators also like to attempt to intimidate you.  I say “attempt” because it doesn’t work on people like me.  Besides, I might laugh at you.  Your fragile ego wouldn’t be able to handle it.

The Waxer

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The waxer is someone with an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other.  Their cars live in garages or trailers, sparkly clean under their blankies.  If it rains, they will not drive.  Why?  Because the car might get wet!  This might work a lot of the time if you live in a warm, dry climate (like the Southwestern US).  However, if you live anywhere else, your sanity for owning a garage queen should be questioned.  Waxers have to deal with a strange conundrum:  they want to be seen by others, but they are afraid something will happen to the car if it leaves its sanctuary.  Oh, the horrors!

The Ricer Racer

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You’ve seen/heard them:  automatic, 4-door Hondas with wings and a giant fart can.  The body work often includes spots of primer and/or unpainted aftermarket body kits. The ones that make lots of useless engine modifications never show up for a legal, organized race.  They would rather brag online that they owned someone on Main Street.

The Poor Pimp

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Although pimps could be saving toward retirement or stashing their girls’ profits into their 401ks, we know they’re not.  It is obvious they are putting the money into Cadillacs, LTDs and large SUVs.  Window tinting and 22” chrome rims with spinners cost a lot, you know.  They have big back seats, too.  Just sayin’.

The Emotionally Attached

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The general public is confounded by the emotionally attached car owner.  The cars are often middle-aged and not in perfect shape, but they are loved by their owners.  On the surface, some of these cars are impractical.  Take two-seaters, for example.  They usually get good mileage and are fun-looking, attracting the ire of depressed minivan drivers.  Best of all, the two-seater owner will never be asked to pick up anyone at the airport!

The Retentive

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The retentive are extreme cases.  It’s what Waxers become when they really lose it.  They can be found at car shows.  Their cars are always in a covered trailer, their tires wrapped in linen.  The retentive do things like pick blades of grass out of the treads with tweezers while wearing surgical gloves.  Cotton swabs are probably bought in bulk, as they are used to clean every last nook and cranny.  If you’re OCD, this is the hobby for you.  The retentive are usually single, and with good reason:  they are obsessed with the car and have nothing else to think about or talk about.  If they could, they would sleep with it.  Good luck trying to have a conversation with the retentive about anything else.  Your attempt will be met with silence and a blank stare.  However, if you ask them about their car, they will talk until you physically leave.  Beware.