Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Distinguishing Between Dumbass Drivers

There are all sorts of drivers out there. Many of them are unsafe. Although it seems like it, they do not congregate in one geographical area. Let’s review, shall we?

The Nervous Nellie

These are the people who drive at least ten miles an hour below the speed limit, even on a straight stretch of road. If they have to turn a corner, the world needs to stop rotating so they can actually do it. Watching them turn a corner is painful. When you are stuck behind these people, it is tempting to start a Sudoku.

The Moronic Merger

There is a high percentage of these where I live. When merging onto the freeway, they do not look. At all. I can’t count how many times I have seen people almost merge into a semi or a giant SUV. Then there are those who drive 35 mph to the end of the on ramp and get scared because, for some reason, cars are going by really fast. The worst of these people will go to the end of the on ramp, stop, look, and then attempt to merge.

The Distracted Dipshit

This is probably the most common sight of all. Where I live, there is a law that bans the use of handheld devices. Has this stopped anyone from using them? No! I see them every day. They think they are sneaky enough to do this, but the truth is that you can spot these people a mile away. Stay away from them at all costs.

The Tactless Tailgater

These people have no clue why you are not getting out of their way. Could it be the fact that you are doing 5 mph over the speed limit and that you’re in the slow lane? Who cares? You are in their way! Can you not see that? The reality is that these people probably have issues regarding anger management and peripheral vision. Now, what were those other lanes for?

The Compensators

These people are often also Tactless Tailgaters. They put as many bright lights as possible on their vehicles, and jack them up so high that steps are needed to get into the vehicle. They attempt to intimidate you by either blinding you or pushing you off the road. However, it is highly doubtful that these vehicles have ever been offroad themselves as they tend to frequent malls and grocery stores.  They need to be first in line at the anger management clinic, in front of the Tactless Tailgaters. Chances are high that these people are single. Could it have anything to do with the fake testicles on their vehicles? Now THERE’S a panty-dropper!

The Pathetic Parent

These people aren’t really a group of drivers. They are misguided parents and, well, not too smart. Why do some parents think it’s a good idea to give Johnny a powerful new car for his 16th birthday? Did they not wonder why it’s expensive to insure a teen driver? Have they not read the numerous articles about teenage brain development and judgment (i.e. lack thereof)? Often, these parents are trying to give Johnny everything they didn’t have. That is somewhat understandable. What is not understandable is how this is executed. A high school student in a new Mustang? What do you think is going to happen?

The Mad Motorcyclists

These brain donors give good motorcyclists a bad name. They drive a minimum of 80 mph, weaving around everyone. Wheelies are occasionally seen. Apparently, they don’t get enough attention at home. Don’t even get me started on lack of proper riding equipment. Shorts? Really?

The Perturbed Parents

These people often fall under the “Distracted Dipshit” category. Not only are they yelling at Johnny and Jennifer in the back seat, they are picking up things in the passenger footwell and talking on the phone, all while speeding on their way to soccer practice and ballet class. Could someone please explain to me why married folks get lower car insurance rates? Haven’t insurers ever seen them drive?

The Lost Loonies
No, I’m not talking about Canadians. I’m talking about directionally-challenged people who are driving in an unfamiliar area and have no clue how to do much of anything. If your GPS says to turn right, why are you in the left hand lane? It’s not like you didn’t have a previous warning. If you need to go in the opposite direction, why don’t you just turn around? Don’t expect me to let you in because you want to turn right from the left hand lane. Turn around. Why don’t people turn around anymore, anyway?

The Cut-off Creeps

Often associated with Tactless Tailgaters and Moronic Mergers, these people have no idea what those shiny things attached to their car are. There’s usually one attached to the windshield and one on each front door. Anyway, they repeatedly demonstrate their lack of depth perception by cutting in front of you with inches to spare, causing you to slam on your brakes. ADHD anyone? Which leads us to….

The ADHD Lane-Changer
These people are occasionally associated with Cut-Off Creeps. I don’t think I really need to describe this bunch. Their name says it all.

The Lane-Ending Loser
These people are associated with many categories. Their lane ends, but they expect YOU (who is in the lane that is not ending) to move over. Even if you can’t see them. These people just about go insane when they don’t get their way.

The Arsonist
I just had to add this category because of an idiot who was in front of me today. These people smoke in their car with the window barely cracked (mmmmm, yummy!). When they’re through, they toss the cigarette out the window! If it’s okay to put the carcinogens into your body and it’s okay to bathe yourself and your car in smoke, why is it not okay to put the cigarette into the plastic ashtray? They don’t actually think no one will know they smoke because there are no butts in the ashtray, do they? The only butt in this case is the one they see in the mirror. If they want to look extra stupid, they’ll smoke with kids in the car. Want to look like a complete asshat? Throw your cigarette out the window when the fire danger is high. Duh!

On top of all of this, I live in a place where the driver’s license test is given in many foreign languages. Why?? If a person cannot read signs, they’re asking for trouble. Sure, shapes (like stop signs) can be memorized. What about signs with more than one word, like “Accident ahead in right hand lane” or “Lane ends”? Isn’t driving dangerous enough?

Okay, I feel better now.


  1. I hate tailgaters! I will slow down just to piss them off. I'll go five mph just for shits and giggles. If I'm going too slow for you, go around me, asshole! Then when they finally pass me, I pretend to reach for something in my glove compartment. That makes me smile...

    a bitch called mom

  2. Have you been talking to my husband? He rants daily about all these drivers so you've missed out one category - the middle aged grumpy who still drives competantly but yells at everyone else!
    This is truly excellent. I shall have to show it to him.

  3. Thank you for clarifying that you weren't talking about However every category here could definitely be a Canadian...shameful really!


  4. I think I saw my husband behind the wheel in a few of these photos.

  5. Of course, after I posted this, someone blasted through a yield sign and almost hit me. I SO didn't need that!

    If I didn't clarify that "Loonies" weren't Canadians, my relatives would have harassed me for years!

  6. Ok, first, love the last comment about having the test in various languages. True dat! That's crap!
    Second of all, I think I once fell into the category of the dumb-ass driver who yelled at kids, talked on the phone while retrieving snacks from a diaper bag, and breaking up fights by backhanding the little hellions with the hand that wasn't talking on the phone.
    Thirdly, 16 year olds shouldn't get nice cars. They should be forced to drive the mini van so they can take the other kids to their activity.
    Oh, and here's one you might have inadvertently forgotten, unless you described it differently, but how 'bout those dumb-asses who don't even realize they are in a merging lane, so they just sit there. And wait. And wait. And wait. While 14 cars line up behind them.
    This is a fantastic post! Loved it, although I felt the occasional twinge of shame at my own dumbassness.

  7. The Mad Motorcyclists are my pet peeve...weaving between lanes makes me want to pop open the door :-)

  8. Hahahaha this is a subject that's very near and dear to my heart. I'm a fairly even tempered person but I can fly into a rage so easily when I'm driving. I did a really similar post about it last September (

  9. Loved your September post, Cake Betch! I'd forgotten a couple of types, so I added them today. The last one I renamed in honor of your post. Loved your illustrations, too!

  10. lol, i see all of these.I once threw a large maccas coke out the window because the kids were fighting over it...shame...


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